Coffee Shop Screenwriters vs. Christmas Party Zombies
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Screenwriters vs. Zombies
STAGE PLAY –Screenwriters vs. Zombies
Blind Barista: Young. Not a screenwriter, yet. Blind from birth but choses to work across the street from the epicenter of Hollywood power. He serves Hollywood’s second most sought after commodity, coffee, and he listens. He’s the most perceptive of the group. Screenwriters vs. Zombies
German Poacher: A screenwriter in his early 40s. Writer of Tobit, an adaptation of the bible’s Book of Tobit. His selling strategy is to appear as religious or non-religious as possible, depending on who he’s speaking to. Sometimes he confuses who he’s speaking with. He’s a member of a L.A. parish, a church, a synagogue, AND a mosque. Screenwriters vs. Zombies
Myra Breckinridge: A lesbian woman in her early 20s. Writer of Wichita. It’s a script about a lesbian Native woman, who learns to turn plains animals into zombies as a weapons against the Texas Rangers who betrayed her father and butchered her village. She’s all about revenge. Works in a CPA’s office and in her spare time she completes bogus documents for the IRS that show just the correct pattern to trigger an audit for the oppressive filmmaker. Screenwriters vs. Zombies
Frances Houseman: A less than elegant woman in her late 20s. She’s the writer of the only Christmas Rom-Com set in Minneapolis. She’s the antithesis of the #metoo movement and has always used her body and sexuality to get what she wanted. She might be the only one in the group that is politically correct. She is the most sensitive of the insensitive disgruntled rabble.
Turtle: A surfer in his late 30s. Writer of Verity’s Surfing Movie, which is about a woman with Alzheimer’s and is hanging out with a young tribe of surfers as a way of coping with and fighting the disease. Perhaps Turtle was a professional surfer, if there is such a thing. But drugs and age pretty much ended any subsidized travel he had. Routinely, pitches nails in industry parking lots. Basically, he is Jeff Spicoli. Screenwriters vs. Zombies.
Eric Cartwright: Black writer in his 30s. He has a right-wing and western gait. He is huge, wears boots and carries a .38 in his right boot. He’s the writer of the 10th Cavalry. He only became interested in writing when some “genius,” the morning after the Oscars, remarked on GMA that black actors weren’t winning because “they are being forced to act out roles written as white characters,” roles written by white writers. Once, burned an agent’s luxury car and called five cops and an insurance investigator and told them it was insurance fraud.
William Adama: Hispanic. A former soldier, failed screenwriter, and handy man with surveillance. He’s written a script called The Deuce Four, where a platoon allows themselves to be transformed into vampires rather than lose a battle in Iraq. They keep the position and unleash vampiric hell on the terrorists, who have their own vampires. He could have gone into one of the intelligence services, but he spent his educational allotment on a community college film arts degree. He eaves drops on the big player’s phone calls. Hacker and movie pirate.
The Professor: A screenwriter in his late 70s. Retired professor and writer of Lenin’s Body, a script that was dramatically (miraculously) bought by the Russians. He’s gained a bit of acceptance with the establishment for accomplishing such an impossible feat. But, he’s being (informally) ostracized by the less fortunate writers who have formed a fraternity of ignored writers.
Joe: A writer who is there only a moment but has a reputation for suing anyone who makes a baseball movie.
Prologist: Just another messed up writer.
Here Today: Here and then you never see him again.
Undead Talent Agents:
- Sam Rothstein
- Max Cohen
- Les Grossman
Premise: A blind barista and six screenwriters witness a zombie event from a coffee shop, which is directly across the street from the dominant Hollywood talent agency.
Setting: Los Angeles coffee shop.
Time: The present.
The Reader’s Comments Thus Far…
“Interesting; the screenwriters have an attention deficit disorder. The writers in the audience should get a charge out of that. It rings true to me anyway.”
“Whether planned or accidental, this is patently offensive. This town will NEVER sit through it. Expect to be canceled immediately.”
“I like that the characters are unworthy but there certainly is the anticipation that someone is going to sell a script. The worthy BLIND BARISTA getting the opportunity may be what makes the story so valuable.”
“Having the writers botch the only opportunity they will ever have is entirely in line with the farce.”
“It’s really not being in the right place at the time.”
“Screenwriters vs. Zombies is the best farce since A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
“Nice rhyming with the two songs and they seem to fit the story well. Add I’ll be dead by Christmas – by Bing Crosby?”
“You’re gonna put William in a Los Vegas Raiders jersey and Francis in short-shorts?”
“There’s no place like Avenue of the Stars for Christmas.”
“I don’t know why this is staged; just film it in a coffee shop after hours. It’s low budget or NO BUDGET worthy.”
“There aren’t many stage directions. You’ll need an competent director to stage this.”
“It reminds me of one of the many scenes in Friends, where they meet at the coffee shop, only there are zombies outside. Hey, this is a weird idea, but if you could persuade Jennifer Aniston to play FRANCES… it would be a coup. Matt LeBlanc as TURTLE?”
“This is far from my age demographic. Needs more exposition. This seems written for senior living centers?”
“Nice dialogue. Most of this town can identify.”
“Screenwriters vs. Zombies isn’t a farce as advertised. A farce is… ‘a comic dramatic work using buffoonery and horseplay and typically including crude characterization and ludicrously improbable situations.