Prologue: “Got a Feeling We’re Not in Kansas Anymore”

There’s a nasty secret about the film business nobody wants you to know.

And that is….

There’s nobody stopping screenwriters. Read that again.

There’s NOBODY stopping you.

Newbie screenwriters think industry insiders spend countless hours coming up with diabolical ways to keep them out.

“We’ll make them send query letters on embossed letterhead we never read.”

“We’ll make them buy hundred-dollar memberships to industry-endorsed networks we never visit.”

“We’ll make them enter contests nobody on earth actually pays attention to…Wha-Ha-ha!”

Are you kidding? They want you.

Like a Kardashian sister in search of the paparazzi, the film biz desperately wants to “discover” your awesome, amazing script and help you cultivate your talent into an unstoppable force of story awesomeness.

And it’s got nothing to do with being generous or supportive or artistic.

It’s because they get credit for DISCOVERING you.

They don’t get bonus points for hiring Steve Zallian or Eric Roth.

They don’t get a corner office for buying another Christopher Nolan “vehicle.”

They don’t get a better table at The Ivy because they signed on for “Fast and Furious Part 10: More Furiousness.”

“I Coulda Been a Contender”

Studio executives and agents and producers ASCEND the Hollywood hierarchy ladder if they discover the next Diablo Cody. The next Alexander Payne.

The next…you!

When they do that, they get a promotion. And believe me, there’s nothing these assholes like more than a promotion.

But to get discovered…

To sell your screenplay for close to $500,000 and have insanely expensive lunches in Century City and buy overpriced Italian sports cars that get four miles to the gallon and date leggy super models named Ivanka….

You have to “act” like a professional.

You have to “talk” like a professional.

You have to “write” like a professional.

And the only way to do that is to take the craft, and the business, of screenwriting seriously.

That’s what this book is all about.

“You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat”

Now…you could go to film school and spend $125,000 on a film degree that teaches you how to write unsellable films about Depression-era potato farmers.

Or you could stalk Judd Apatow at the Santa Monica Whole Foods until he reads your 150-page script about college students on a road trip to Wichita.

Or you could enter every screenwriting contest on the face of the Earth, hoping the Tucson High-Desert Ladies Auxiliary Screenplay Hootenanny helps you get an agent.

Or…you could follow the 10 tricks in this book to help you BOOST your screenwriting know-how, WRITE a kick-ass screenplay and then put yourself in a great position to actually…you know…make a frickin’ living off your words.

I can’t promise you’ll sell a script by following these 10 steps. (Not only would it be unethical, but I’m pretty sure the FCC would throw me in self-published prison.)

But I can promise if you commit to the steps I’ve outlined, you will:

Know more about screenplay structure than 99 percent of the screenwriters out there. (And that includes the ones who get paid.)

Accelerate your knowledge of the film business from naive wannabe to seasoned film industry veteran, virtually overnight.

Learn an email query template for approaching managers and agents in a professional manner that works. (And by works, I mean it gets your frickin’ script read!)

Discover ninja secrets to being perceived as a professional, and not some noob working at Home Depot.

Be THAT much closer to converting your talent into an insanely marketable asset that lets you quit your job, sneer at your enemies and…rule the world!

As Yogi Berra said, “You can observe a lot just by watchin’.” And what better to watch, than the movies?

So…let’s get started.